


Sometimes I Feel Like Giving Up (But I Just Can't).

by brooklynbis



Series: Simon and Bram VS The Chronic Illness Agenda. [1]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Chronic Illness, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, High School, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Bram Greenfeld, Sickfic, Supportive Bram Greenfeld, bram is a great boyfriend, diabetes is a bitch, diabetic!simon, diabetic!simon au, mainly movie based, supportive Abby Suso, supportive Leah Burke, supportive Nick Eisner, type one diabetes, type one diabetic simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 20:38:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15494208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynbis/pseuds/brooklynbis
Summary: Nobody would leave him alone long enough for him to experience some peace, where he could just forget about this new life for a while.And this was just three days of the rest of his life.________________AKA a diabetic!Simon au because I have feelings to let out.





	Sometimes I Feel Like Giving Up (But I Just Can't).

**Author's Note:**

> so essentially I love to push my negative feelings onto fictional characters as a way to process and cope with them, and this is the result. I wrote this mostly based off my own experience with type one diabetes, and much of it reflects closely to my own life.  
> I am from the UK, so i will be using the UK system for blood sugar measurement and hypo treatments and such, despite the fic being set in the US. it would just be much more confusing for me to write as i'm not overly familiar with the american diabetes systems and such. 
> 
> trigger warnings for : mentions of vomiting, hospitals 
> 
> lowercase intended. title from 'in my blood' by shawn mendes. 
> 
> comments, kudos and feedback would be appreciated, along with any prompts! just drop them in the comments or in my tumblr ask box @/brooklynbis

It was a bunch of little things that made Simon's parents force him to go to the doctor. The fact that he now spent most of his time sleeping, rather than doing his work and hanging out with his friends and boyfriend. When he did hang out with them, or his family, he was often be on the verge of falling asleep, or be very heavily supported against a piece of furniture.

Then they found that he was beginning to drink a lot more. Regularly at home, he would get up to refill his glass, or get another cup of coffee. Bram had told them how often he was asking to go to the toilet during classes, and how often he was pulling out his water bottle for a drink. Often, Bram had gone to fill up his water bottle for him at breaks whilst he had a nap. His parents thought the coffee was dehydrating him, so they banned it for a while (much against his protests). That didn't stop the issue, he just drunk more water and fizzy drinks.

Then, Bram mentioned the weight loss to them. He mentioned one morning after he had stayed the night about how Simon felt a lot thinner than he used to, and it had worried him. Simon's parents promised to look into it, and sure enough, when they paid attention, they noticed how his clothes had become baggier and he had become a lot smaller.

There were a few days where Simon just didn't go to school. He would vomit in the night, or would barely wake up in the mornings, not even when they sent Bram in to coax him out of the bed. He would not move, so school would be pointless.

It was the third day of this in a row when they made the decision to force him to go to the doctor. They made an appointment, and that morning, they woke Simon up to take him to the doctor.

When he felt somebody trying to shake him awake, he groaned. Despite the extra sleep he had been getting, he still felt like crap. The vomiting wasn't the issue, but he always felt like he had no energy, and no amount of sleep seemed to be able to cure it.

"Simon, honey, we're taking you somewhere," he heard him mum say as he groaned and pulled the covers further over his head.

"I'll stay here, just take Nora," he mumbled as his mum sighed.

"Nora's at school, honey, so it's just me and you today," she said, pulling his covers down slightly as he sighed and opened his eyes slightly to see his mum giving him a sympathetic smile.

"C'mon, I left out some clothes for you to put on," she said, patting his shoulder before leaving the room so he could change. He sighed, rubbing his eyes before slowly sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He changed as much as he could whilst still sitting down, knowing he didn't really have the energy to stand up and change. He didn't bother making his bed as he slowly walked down the stairs with the help of the banister.

"You're gonna be fine," his mum reassured him before letting him take her arm as she led him out to the car.

__________________

Turns out that Emily Spier could not predict the future. Simon was as far from fine as he could get.

Currently, he was sat in a hospital bed, tubes coming out of each arm as he slept. He'd had a urine test, and they'd instructed him to go straight to the hospital to be admitted, but didn't actually tell him what was wrong. Then, he had blood tests done and they said they would send somebody to see him and explain everything to him, but he knew the basics.

He was going to be in hospital for a while, he was very ill, and he had Diabetes.

Simon didn't really know what to feel. He was torn between asking his mum to call Bram, or not to. He wanted to see him so bad, but he didn't want Bram to have to see him like this, and he was worried this would change things. Bram wouldn't want to date some ill dude. It had already been explained to him that this was his life now, that there was no going back, and he knew Bram wouldn't want to deal with that. By not seeing him, he was putting off the inevitable of Bram breaking up with him.

"Your dad is coming up in a bit. Is it alright if he brings Nora, or should he find somebody to look after her for a few hours?" Emily broke the silence as Simon shook his head. He had his back turned to his mum, trying not to show her how he was attempting to process this.

"Okay, we'll find someone to sit with her for a while. Did you want to see Bram?"

Again, Simon shook his head. Emily just sighed before they went back to sitting in silence.

Simon didn't really know what to feel. He was upset, but mainly he was just confused, numb and scared. And he didn't know what to do, he didn't know what he could do. He was in an unfamiliar environment, in an unfamiliar bed with unfamiliar people (excluding his mum) and the whole situation just put him into a state of unease.

"Simon, it's time for your blood test again," an unfamiliar voice said but he didn't respond. He couldn't bring himself to care. It had been less than 24 hours, and he already had lost pretty much everything. And the one thing he couldn't stand to lose? Bram.

He couldn't lose him. And if that meant not seeing him, then so be it.

________________

It had been three days. Countless nurses had been into Simon's room to talk to him about who he was now, and the various stages of denial he would probably be going through. It sounded as if they were trying to seem as if they understood, when how could they? They didn't know what it was like. He already had bumps and bruises all over his fingers from the endless blood sugar tests, and his fingers were aching. The injections were beginning to give him bruises over his arms, legs and stomach, and nobody would leave him alone long enough for him to experience some peace, where he could just forget about this new life for a while.

And this was just three days of the rest of his life.

He had spent two of those days in the high dependency unit because his blood sugars just weren't coming down, so not only did he feel crappy, but he felt isolated and he was so tired of this already.

His mum had told him every now and again of Leah or Nick or Abby or Bram trying to contact her and his dad to find out what was wrong with him. They knew he was in the hospital, but they had no clue how much his life had changed in such a short span of time. He didn't want them to know.

He didn't want them to think differently of him.

"So, for now you'll be on set doses at set times, but over time we may convert you to carb counting, so you have a better control and we can even look into alternate treatments such as the pump," the nurse explained, as Simon zoned back into the conversation and nodded slightly, looking at his phone that had buzzed off in his lap.

Bram<3 : how are things today? X

Despite everything, he had been texting Bram ocassionally. He hadn't told him what was wrong, and every time Bram had tried to ask, or ask why he wouldn't say, he would pretend the message hadn't been received and changed the topic. It was nice to have a little bit of normalcy, even if it was short lived.

"I'll leave you alone for a bit then, okay? A few more hours and it'll be time for another injection anyway, and the nurse should be around in an hour or so with the testing kit," the nurse said with a smile, and Simon frowned at his phone. How could she ask so light and breezy, when literally everything he had ever know had changed? He was in this new, unchartered territory that he had no idea how to navigate, he was scared shitless and she was making out as if injections were just a fun part of his life now?

"Simon, I know you want to talk to Bram, but you shouldn't be so rude. She's just trying to help." his mum sighed.

"She's treating it like it's a fun little joke that I can leave behind when I get out of here," he snapped back, not looking up from his phone where he was typing a reply to Bram.

Simon : I don't know. Should be getting better, I am, but it doesn't feel like it x

________________

"Have you heard from him yet today?" was the first thing Bram heard when he sat down at their table at lunch.

"Yeah, only briefly during math though," he said, putting his bag down as he grabbed a fry and ate it.

"Did he say anything about why he was in there yet?" Nick asked as Bram shook his head.

"I asked how things were going and he said he didn't know. He sounded really sad and I don't know what I can do," he shrugged, looking down at his food before grabbing his phone and showing the group his phone which had Simon's text up.

"Why do you think he doesn't want us to know?"

"Yeah, I mean surely we'll find out at some point, right?" Abby asked as Bram shrugged his shoulders again.

"Maybe he's afraid of rumours?" Leah suggested.

"Could be. I mean, as far as everyone here is aware, he's just sick with the flu, maybe he doesn't want to risk anybody else knowing where he really is," Abby agreed.

"It's fair enough, rumours about him in the past haven't exactly been the kindest, have they?" Nick added.

"I've been given more work to pass onto him. Even if he did have the flu, he's off school for a reason, and that's probably because he's not well enough to do work?" Bram asked in a questioning and sarcastic tone, making everyone at the table chuckle slightly.

"He's going to have so much to do when he gets out, how big is the stack on your desk now?" Garrett asked. Bram held his hand quite a far distance from the table to indicate.

"I've been skimming over most of it in my spare time so I can help him with it when he's home, and there's a lot. It's honestly not fair on him," Bram sighed as Leah gave him a knowing look.

"And boyfriend of the year award goes to..." she said, making the group laugh and Bram blush slightly.

____________________

 

"At least you get to go home now, Si? That's good, right?" his father asked. He had taken over sitting with him the past couple days, and honestly Simon had never seen him cry so much. He shrugged as he got off the bed, finally IV free. His phone was safely in his back pocket, with one headphone in playing some music he had gotten into because of Bram.

"Hey, bet you're excited to be going home?" his nurse, Shelagh appeared out of nowhere, with this big grin on her face that simon honestly couldn't stand. He just shrugged again.

"So, you have almost everything you need, and obviously you should know what you're doing by now. However, you don't actually have anywhere to record these blood values, so we found one of these in the drawers! See, it had a cute little frog on it," Shelagh said, passing him a book with a cartoon frog on it that was clearly aimed at five year olds.

"Right, and I'm nearly 18," he said, taking it from her slowly.

"Well, you can never grow too old for frogs, and I bet there's still a part of you that watches cartoons," she teased as he backed away slightly and gently put the book on the freshly occupied bed.

"No thanks," he said before grabbing his bag and leaving the room, heading for the exit of the hospital.

"Hey, wait up!" he heard his father call, but he didn't slow down his pace.

"I get that you're frustrated son, but there was no need to act like that," he said as they stopped to wait for the elevator.

"Yeah there was, they're treating me as if I'm a five year old! I'm not," he replied as Jack sighed.

"I know, Si. You've got this, we know it," he said as Simon shook his head.

"Maybe. I don't know."

Maybe he just couldn't face the fact that the rest of his life was going to be like this. Maybe he couldn't accept it.

He just didn't know.


End file.
